Indecision is Difficult to Live With

If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, you’re aware that my current job will be ending soon and I don’t really have a solid plan for after that. I have been fortunate that the termination point for this position has continued to be pushed back as the requirements for the project we’re working on continue to be delayed, but this will eventually run out and I will be out of work. As I continue to hurtle toward this massive blank wall in my life, I find myself really struggling with a strong sense of indecision about what I should be focusing on for the next phase of my life.

Above all else, and as I’ve stated in the past, I’m looking for a work from home opportunity so I can take advantage of the fact that I live full time in my travel trailer. I recently acquired the truck I’ll need to tow it, as well as all the necessary hardware to make it safe on the highway, so nothing is holding me back except that elusive job. If I can just figure out that one part of the equation, I’ll be ready to realize a dream I’ve been waiting on for more than two years as I’ve patiently bided my time in my current situation.

The problem is finding whatever it is I’m going to be doing next. As we move into this brave new future of virtual positions, I find myself in the same place I’ve found myself in so many other things in my life: after it’s started but before it’s actually ready. By this I mean that I feel like just about everything in my life feels like I’m on the back end of one way of doing things and incessantly on the cusp of the new way. I’m never right there in the “sweet spot” of things.

When it comes to virtual work, it is generally agreed that this will be the new way of doing things for many careers, but we haven’t quite reached the place where enough employers truly see the benefits to make work from home positions ubiquitous. Most bosses are still old enough that they are stuck on the old way of doing things, preferring to have an office where they can watch over their employees as they work, ensuring they have control in the most direct way possible. This is fine if you’re in charge, but not so great if you’re looking for something more flexible.

The title of this posts relates to indecision, however, and I suppose I should get back to that. When it comes to my future, I’m really struggling with what I should be focusing on. On the one hand, I have a skillset that is highly optimized for virtual work, especially because I have a very good office setup in my trailer already. I’m what you might call a “plug and play” employee. However, I also struggle with the fact that I’ve never been happy working for other people, and I really want to find a way to make my own money.

I found a way forward in this regard, and it lies in becoming a web developer. It’s something I actually enjoy doing and because every single business out there needs a website, it’s something that will always be in high demand. Where I run into problems is in the fact that running your own business requires the participation in something that’s right at the top of the list of jobs I don’t want to do: sales.

Talking to people is something that I’ve always struggled with, not because I’m really all that socially awkward, but because I just don’t have the patience to sit through listening to what other people have to say. My preference is and always has been conversation via text because it allows me to interact when I’m ready rather than having to respond in real time. I also struggle with remembering anything verbal, so having a written account of what was said is a very good thing for me when I need to recall something important.

Of course, that isn’t the biggest part of not wanting to do sales. The primary reason is that I’ve never been satisfied with any position in which my success is determined by the actions of others. Sales is the epitome of this particular type of work, with the potential customer ultimately having complete control over my success. When it comes to something like becoming a freelance web developer, I’m highly confident I can do the work, but closing sales is something I’m just not into at all.

So I find myself in the same quandary I always seem to exist in. On the one hand, I have an idea for a business I really think I can be good at, but it comes with the responsibilities of selling myself to people, which is at the top of my list of jobs I hate. On the other, I can probably find a job working from home where I don’t have to sell anything, but odds of making the kind of money I do now aren’t very promising, and I’d have to work for someone else. The question then becomes: which is worse?

And so like many other times in my life, I find myself struggling with indecision. I enjoy web development, but I’m really struggling with the other side of it. I could live with working for someone else if it means working remotely, but finding something that pays enough will be a struggle. That’s the real issue for me, if I’m honest. I’m not a fan of struggle. I’m lazy and I just want things to work. I’ve been blessed and cursed this far that things always seem to just work out for me, and I guess I’m just holding out hope that it will happen again.

But who knows what the future holds?

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